These past few days, guilt, sadness and heartbroken have been my cocktail. Clearly the bartender love to make me swallow them. Thank you Satan. Next time, make it a virgin one.
A metaphoric sense
The thing is, aku rasa sedih and serba salah. sometimes aku rasa, I dont fit to have even a best friend. Sometimes, I do feel like a useless piece of bull crap.
That is one thing. the other thing is i feel hopeless. Why? maybe these past few days, I've been back and forth to PPUM, checking with the doctor about my High Blood Pressure. Here's the thing. I want to shed some pounds, but I need more motivation, not only just self-motivation.
And the other thing is I feel guilty with my parents. I am still not being honest with them. I dont have to be, atleast I need to stop doing "IT". The addiction is crazy :(.
Que the drum rolls!!! Oh God, This is super exsaaaaaiting!! There's new Pokemon Game in Town! After using colours (Red, Green, Blue, Yellow, Black, White) and gemstone (Gold, Silver, Crystal, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald, Pearl, Diamond, Platinum) to distinguish their games GameFreak use Alphabet. AWESOME.
If I have to choose to buy either new Phone or 3DSXL, I would buy the DS.
It's going to be set on the Kalos Region, loosely based on France.
So yeah. That's all. Gotta continue making notes for Ethnic Relation studies. Meeh. bored.
Humid. That is all I can say about tonight. Humid.
Was doing my Third Language report while listening one of my group mate's crap, when suddenly, have a deep conversation with Sab.
In a shell, we were talking about our future. Our work as engineer, our final years as students, our future wife, about how the living cost is going to be skyrocketed. It got me thinking about something. Something bad that I have done.......
Kadang-kadang, aku terfikir. Sempat ke aku kecapi semua tu?
Let say, aku tiba-tiba mati tahun depan, or even bulan depan, tak pon pagi nih? Apa akan berlaku?
What if. kau tau, kau akan mati esok, Apa kau nak buat hari nih? 24 hours before your Time of Death?
Dalam hati, mungkin aku akan meronta mahu peluk, cium tangan mama and aboh. Taknak lepaskan. Rasa macam nak peluk sampai jantung aku berhenti berdenyut. Sampai tangan aku sendiri layu terkulai.
Bagaimana hubungan aku dengan Yang Esa? Sebelum masuk exam, mesti lah baca buku gila-gila kan? Macam tu jugaklah, maybe aku akan buat sesuatu sebagai bekalan aku ke peperiksaan terakhir dan terbesar dalam hidup aku.
Reasons aku terfikir benda ini is, aku rasa macam aku dah banyak sangat berdosa dengan parents aku. Dari segi relationship dengan mereka, and benda yang aku sorok2 buat. Not even my friends tau. That's my problem. Buat dosa, lepas tu mula la rasa menyesal. Tapi still buat lagi.
Mungkin aku tidak lah menunjukkan aku ni seorang yang alim. (Ya Allah bila lah last aku sentuh kitab mu?)
Aku sentiasa cuba merubah diri aku menjadi muslim yang terbaik.
Bagi aku, selepas hubungan dengan Tuhan, hubungan denga ibu bapa, hubungan ketiga paling penting is dengan kawan.
For some reason, I have a lot of issue. Entah. rasa macam pelik kenapa some of them macam permain kan aku, and menyakitkan hati aku. At one point, aku cakap, Go To Hell with them, kalau kau tak puas hati dengan cara aku, sila berambus. Aku tidak kisah langsung untuk kurang satu, dua manusia yang berniat buruk dengan aku. Tak pernah aku meracuni minda kawan2 aku, kau tuduh aku sebegitu.
Aku redha even aku kekurangan kawan untuk dikisahkan. Aku sudah tawar hati dengan kau berdua. Sudah malas aku nak kisahkan pasal hidup kau.
Btw, back to the main q. What would I do? I would call each one of them, and have the last conversation with all of them. Asking about their conditions, empty talks and saying goodluck to them in the near future.
Teringat satu game Encik Kamril buat haritu :
"Kalau kau hanya ada masa untuk call seorang sahaja, siapa anda call?"
Aku jawab : ABAH
Sebab? One thing is, ayah aku lebih tabah dari ibu aku. Jika aku beritahu, bahawa hidup aku sudah tidak lama, dia pasti akan jawab dengan tenang. Aku tidak berani untuk beritahu mak aku, kerana aku pasti, mak aku akan mengalirkan air mata, dan aku tak sanggup melihat mama menangis kerana aku....
